I am full of hope. I am full of zeal. Full of willpower to go back and serve again. I don’t say this with an attitude of complete happiness though, because the reason I feel called to make this move a reality in the future is because my heart is broken.
My love for humanity goes beyond my fears. My heart after God goes beyond what society tries to tell me is unrealistic or hopeless to chase after.
I have more of fear of doing nothing meaningful with my life than I do about going to a part of the world that is deemed “dangerous” and calling it home for a while. I have more of a need to raise my kids knowing the world is unstable, the world is not our final destination, and that we have a part to play in helping ease the pain of others who are suffering.
And, I don’t believe in the American dream anymore if it only includes myself as the God of my life. I can’t do it anymore.
It’s made me depressed. My thoughts about the world have gotten darker, and quicker, because I see how our state as humankind is becoming so self-centred, myself included, that now I know looking for stability, safety, or comfort is not what will make me strong enough to keep going.
Because those things are fleeting. It is easy for us to define ourselves based on our titles, financial status, etc… but if any of that is taken away because of health, war, or anything out of our control, who are we then? What do we have then?
Do you have all of those?
If we’re not cultivating what we should have to live with strength, we’re not really creating a strong foundation on which we can stand when things hit the fan – which they inevitably will.
I need God’s love as a foundation for my life, not more self-help articles that tell me what I need to do in order to “be a better me.” I must be willing to accept the fact that life is creation and I am loved by a creator, that I am loved, period. Only then will I be able to give love to those around me in an empowering way.
Not that there’s anything wrong with self-help, but there comes a point where you can’t keep trying to do better when you have nothing to build on. Your low self-worth will crumble even more when you don’t feel like you’re measuring up to the advice you’re reading. Having bubble baths and retail therapy come to their limits as emotional support when you realize you are not, and have not been, at peace with your own mind and soul.
Read poetry. Read stories of heroes. Immerse yourself with people who have dreams bigger than themselves. You become at peace when you realize it is in the little things that you can see change. You become at peace when you take time aside to spend it in meditation, in communication with God. (At least that’s what’s been working for me so far!)
Now these kids in Jordan taught me that you don’t even really have to go miles away to do something worthwhile in life. (But obviously if you have the will, the energy, and means to go, why not?)
I was humbled to remember my community back home and how much I could make a difference with them. Because the problems, personalities, and pieces of the puzzle still affect people living here, right among us.
I saw my neighbour’s kids in the Syrian refugee kids. I saw my own cousins in them. I saw my students here in the West in the kids in Jordan. They are all kids who need love and attention and we can really be the people who give that to them.
Teaching in Jordan changed my life. I can’t say that out loud though in case my parents hear me and stop me from ever going back. I gotta say I can see myself living there and teaching full-time. There is no bigger purpose I want to live for at this moment.
I must remind myself what is life if all it is becomes me living for me? With nobody to share life with? Nobody to help? Nobody to relate to on a higher level?
I’m not saying we all need to become the next Mother Theresa’s out here and that making a decent living is not important, because let’s face it you’ll want a family one day and raising them with proper education or access to health care and a safe quality of living will be a priority. But, I am saying that if your priorities become all about you with nobody else in the picture, not now nor in the future, you’re in trouble.
Take it from me. That mentality landed me in a pit that I couldn’t get out of by myself. I needed people, and a purpose that goes beyond my own wants. Notice I say wants because all my needs are thankfully met. I have housing, food, clothes, family, friends, and all 5 senses. I have everything I need to live comfortably.
Once you realize you were chasing money, success, fame, or happiness because the world made you believe that’s what life is about, you’re one step closer to living with true purpose.
Realization is step 1. Admittance, step 2. Change, step 3.
Easier said than done, but the fact that you are here in the first place tells me you’re searching for more out of life. And, I’m proud of you.
I’m excited for you.
I am THANKFUL for you.
I love you and I’m praying for you!
P.S. If you want English classes in Jordan for refugee kids to continue, and you want to stay involved somehow, we’re officially best friends! Reach out to me here! I’ll be in touch with you. ❤️
Last stop: The Future in Pictures and Videos