Truth be told, sometimes we don’t want to move on… by accident.
From that rejection, relationship, course you failed, etc… We’ve all been through it – something that made us feel less worthy than we once thought we were. “We’re sorry we couldn’t choose you for the position this time around,” “I can’t be with you anymore…”, “Not enough.” And if you haven’t been through this, I’d recommend seeing a doctor because you’re clearly experiencing symptoms of perfect human being and I hear that’s deadly. I’ve had a near-death experience myself with a cousin of that disease; anybody heard of denial?
In university, I’d be lying if I said it was easy to feel good about yourself 24/7. You’re going to have days where things can’t seem to align in your favour, like you did in high school, and exactly the same way you will after you leave university. C’est la vie. But, I believe there is so much power in ourselves to use for ourselves; for the betterment of our mental health, or even our circumstances.
Quick introduction as to how I was inspired to write on this; about a week ago, I did an interview over Skype and I was feeling good about it afterwards. I was told I would get the response by Friday.
It was Tuesday. I got the response on Wednesday – the next day. Reading the subject line, I was ready to open it up to good news. You can guess what I found instead.
What is “moving on” anyway? For dictionary.com, to move on means to pass from one place or position to another. That actually tells me two things:
1. that we’re allowed to be in a place of despair and sadness and all things miserable. So, we probably shouldn’t pretend those feelings aren’t there because otherwise I’d be preaching a rendition of the prosperity gospel – and that’s not what I’m into. I’m into reality. Yes, feel sad. Feel like absolute crap. You should or else I’d recommend seeing that doctor again. But,
2. don’t get stuck. You can move from that place of hurt to a place of opportunity and potential and I think the faster you do the better.
Here’s 5 horrible patterns we tend to resort to in times of hurt which prevent us from moving on:
1. You compare yourself to other people
You sit there and sulk about how much better innately other people must be or how much more they must be doing – which is what probably landed them the job, and not you. Or, how much prettier that other girl is. How much privilege the other candidate has. How much smarter your classmate is.
But all of this comparing isn’t doing anything. It’s not getting you closer to where you want to be and whenever you’re not moving forward, you’re actually moving backwards. And then this happens:
2. You fear people will judge you based on your failure
This one is the following sentence incarnated into a dangerous feeling or hopelessness and fraud: “Now that I’ve failed this one thing people won’t ever trust me or choose me for something else ergo I will stay a failure for the rest of my life.” You feel like an imposter from then on whenever you want to try your skills and experience for something else. Or in a relationship or rather lack thereof, it’s feeling like you will never be loved again.
But boyyyy lemme tell you, people forget. Louder for the people in the back: people forget! And, quite frankly, people don’t care. Your successes and passion far outweigh a loss in one particular area of your life. It just seems to be the big red button blinking the loudest at the moment.
But the fire alarm will always turn off.
3. You think you did something wrong
Maybe you did? Maybe you didn’t? If you fear you did, there’s no harm in asking someone what you may have done wrong. For a job, I’d say; “Is there anything you can suggest I work on for next time?” For a relationship, I’d give it time before you ask. LOL you don’t want it to sting while you’re already hurting.
But sometimes you won’t ever get an answer. Whether I was at fault or not though, I’m a firm believer that there is always a lesson to be learnt from the experience regardless.
4. You don’t think you deserve to be happy
“Why should I feel happy if I’m the reason for so much damage?”
Well, because you’re human and you have the right to heal on your own terms. Whether it takes time, distance, a new hobby, really anything at all… you can and you will find yourself again. Setbacks only pull you back so they can launch you into something better.
5. You can’t see the bigger picture/beyond the setback
Sometimes we don’t want to see above a pitfall because that requires us to climb our way back up. Sometimes we’re just comfortable in that hole; we want to stay there. But, once the rain starts falling and reality comes to pinch you in that hole, you can choose to let it drown you. Or, you can choose to let it give you leverage by lifting you up to the surface and out of that hole as you stay afloat.
The decision is up to you.
And, I’m going to say this again:
PS if your friend ever came to you crying about a failed relationship, decline from a job, etc… would you respond with: “Well yeah those people are probably just better than you.” Or, “You probably did something wrong.” Orrrrrr, “Wow now you’ll never be happy/successful again.”
No? So why do you speak to yourself that way?
Bang bang, shots fired.
Until next week!
-ATZ loving education,